Jokes for the Day 1

[Russell L. Thomas]

1. Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


2. Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


3. Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because insted of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'



4. Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


5. Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'


6. Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'


7. Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


8. Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


9. Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

[Horhe]

Heeeeey we have a jokes for the day section now!

[Rod]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop..
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket...
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'




He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Jack booted turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.



This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care... We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[Russell L. Thomas]

I saw it coming!

[Horhe]

Saw it comming too! It actually him me on the head!

[neil]

LOL, excellent thread. Love them all.

[Horhe]

Another day, another joke:

Joke nr 1

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."




Retirement jokes:

OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone

OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket

OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away

OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool

OLD FROGS never die, they just croak

OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes

OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire

OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize

OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate

OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive

OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez

OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount

OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded

OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips

OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class

OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing

OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state -- of maximum entropy

OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured

OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it

OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities

OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...

OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt

OLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on Nickelodeon

OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic

OLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down -- umpires as in Australian Rules Football

OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive

OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back

OLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.

OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering

[Rod]

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES
COME FROM?


After their baby was born, the panicked fatherwent to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the mansaid, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a littleupset because my daughter has red hair. She
can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said.'Even though you and your

wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have

contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'This can't be,
our families on both sides had jet-black hair

for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How
often do you have sex? '




The man seemed a bit ashamed.'I've beenworking very

hard for the past year. We onlymade love once or twice

every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor saidconfidently.

'It's rust.'

[neil]

ha ha ha ha Red Headed Babies is too good

[Russell L. Thomas]

Sheer Nightgown:

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally,he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling without my clothes on (he'll never know the difference), and I'll return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.